Chances are cause I wear a silly grin

The moment you come into view

Chances are you think

That I am in love with you

"Johnny Mathis 1957"

It's the summer of 1967. I am sitting down in the park by the band shell. I'm all alone, as I need to be this day. I remember sitting here back in "58", trying to make some hard decisions about where I was going and what I should do next. Today in 1967 though, I just have one thing to do. You may not think that cleaning out a billfold is a big deal. I sure do today. I have just proposed and given my Wife to be, her Engagement ring. I love her so much. Now I need to clear out some of the past that is tucked back into the crevices of this old Billfold.

There are small scraps of paper with just a phone number and a first name on it. There is an all day pass to a fair grounds in Codington County in South Dakota. There is a receipt for (1) cowboy Hat and (1) Cowgirl Hat from a Carl's Western Wear in Laramie Wyoming. There is even a few photos. One is taken at one of those photo booths of a cute Spanish girl. On the back faintly visible is the outline of her lips from a deep red lipstick I would never forget. Finally after a lot of items are torn into small pieces and tossed into fountain lake, I come to the one item I'm not sure what to do with.

I had stuffed it down in one of those pockets where you keep cards. I had found it in a cigar box full of junk form Gramps garage. It's a lapel Tab Pin. Remember the kind that you folded over a little tab to make it stay hanging onto a pocket or suit lapel. It only has three words on it and they came from the presidential campaign of 1952. I voted for the guy At Ramsey in 5th grade. This old pin has more than a presidential memory for me. The paint is almost all worn away. I can only tell that it is white by the edges. Since 1958 it has rubbed against the leather on this old billfold. Holding it sends shivers down my spine just like when you experience déjà-vu for the first time. I remember all of it so very clearly.

I met her in school for the first time and immediately I was in Love. As much in love as a 15 year old boy could be. All I knew is that my heart pounded when I saw her in the hall. She was simply amazing. She wasn't the average 15 year old in 10th grade. Her dresses, although made from the same material as other girls seemed to fit just a little tighter. Her sweaters seemed to have a more fullness and her walk was a little more mature. Even her hair was not like the other girls. It was cut short and she wore it almost in a duck tail. It was coal black.

I thought from the first minute I was with her that I wanted this one to turn out different. I for the first time tried to be one of the decent kids. I was not going to ruin it by being to fresh on the first date. We sat at her house on a bench that sat under the big bay window. It was almost a room in itself. We talked for about three hours and then some lady called down from upstairs, that we should call it a night. I left without even as much as kissing her goodnight. I soon found out that was not what she expected or maybe even what she wanted.

Remember this was 1958 and I still had not gotten over my shyness yet. I took it hard that she laughed at me to her friends. We never dated. I wanted to call her many times but couldn't take the rejection I thought would follow. But as they say I had bigger fish to fry. I was getting out of all this mess in Albert Lea anyway. I had taken as many "whoopings" at home as I could stand and I needed some freedom. Shortly after finding that pin, I was gone.

I hope you understand why this one is so very hard to throw away. I had laid it all on the line that night, and it had crumbled. I guess I'll rub it one more time. Then I'll throw it as hard as I can towards the center of the lake. I'll try to make it spin to make it go further and maybe it will last for one more second.

As it hit's the sunlight and the reflection pick's up the shape I swear to you I can see the three words as plain as day. The three words that hammer in my brain. The three words I couldn't say in 58. It all comes out as I scream at the water, that engulfs the pin, that pull's it to the bottom.

"Jerry Stensrud 2004"